How many of us have at one time or the other found ourselves battling with the disturbing thought, "Should I leave this relationship? Or should I stay?" When this question arises in your mind you can sure something is afoot in your love life. If nothing else, you can be sure that something in your relationship isn't working as well as you would like it, and that something needs to change, whether it's you or your partner.
When we lead our relationship trainings, it is surprising how many folks don't call themselves "singles", NOR "couples". We made up a third category, "It's Complicated". And those who fit in this category are often the ones who are mulling over the $10,000 question: "Should I Leave?"
I'll give you a bit of background insight into this issue, then I'll talk about what you can do when you're in this situation.
No one starts out their relationship thinking about how to end it. You didn't mean to land in a situation where "Should I leave?" is on your mind a lot. Right? At some point, it just showed up by itself. Chances are you started out wonderfully in your relationship, happy and in love and full of hope and promise.
Then somehow this wonderful in-love state (aka "The Honeymoon Stage") disappeared. Things settled down to a bit more "normal" where you didn't need to have sex three times a day but could be happy with three times a week, and you had to get out of bed and go to work, anyway. This is the time where the first signs of dissatisfaction and discord will start to show.
Inevitably you'll experience your first disappointment. Inevitably, the time will arrive when he says he'd rather be with his friends than with you. Or she says she's not "in the mood" for your advances, and rolls over to go to sleep. You then begin to discover that you don't exactly agree on how to run a household, or how neat it should look around the house. It becomes more and more evident that you have totally opposing ideas about how much time you should spend together and how much time you spend with your respective friends outside the relationship.
Now, some might say this is all perfectly "normal". Of course there'll be disagreements. Of course we don't see eye to eye on everything. However, in today's culture, there's one huge factor that has the question "should I leave?" be very readily available to most people.
In stark contrast to the culture of our great-grandparents and those before them, it is now indeed "perfectly normal" to split up and divorce. In fact, more Americans experience divorce than not. Statistics say that anywhere between 40 and 55 % of all marriages end up in divorce (depending on the source). And that only first-time marriages. For second and third time marriages, the numbers are much higher.
Here's an analogy for you: Before the big financial meltdown of 2008, foreclosure was something only few people ever experienced. It was looked upon as one of the greatest humiliations and disasters of a person's life, and carried serious social stigma, sort of a modern version of leprosy. Then 2008 happened, and millions of houses went to foreclosure, and with that, millions of people experienced this event. And then something interesting began to happen. People started walking away from their houses, even when they weren't in foreclosure. It just didn't make sense to pay on this upside-down property. They put themselves voluntarily in foreclosure. In a matter of months, the previously dreaded event of foreclosure had turned into a real option for people who just didn't want to stay.
Relationships and marriages have gone through the exact same process. Divorce is now a perfectly normal, not frowned-upon event, an always ready-to-use solution to your relationship problems. And because it's so "normal" and available, for many of us, it doesn't take too much dissatisfaction before the Big Question shows up. "Should I just leave him?" Wouldn't it be a lot easier to get out of this tangle we're in, and just start over from fresh.
At which point your brain reminds you how wonderful it was in the beginning, and sends good-feeling chemicals through your system and you feel all of sudden quite relieved at the prospect. But then "reality" hits, and you start going through the practical consequences of the choice to leave. If you have kids and own property, it's quite the hassle, not to mention really expensive. And you don't know what to do. Hence, the question begins to be with you more and more frequently.
Here's what to do when this question haunts you. Our rule of thumb that we give to the couples we work with is this: As long as you have this question, you're not complete. Think about it. As long as you ask yourself this question, you're not sure. That means there are reasons for staying and reasons for leaving. And you don't know yet which of them weighs heavier. That means there's still more for you to experience with this relationship.
What to do in this situation is work on your relationship as best you can. Go to a relationship workshop; get a relationship coach; see a counselor; read a relationship book and do the homework together. As you work on the relationship, the answer to your Big Question will answer itself! Guaranteed. It will become clear to you what the answer is. Sometimes your answer will be to leave. But just as often, in our experience with coaching relationships, you will find you have lots of options to fix your relationship.
What's actually great about the Big Question is it forces you to take a good hard look at your relationship situation and begin to deliberately create your relationship and love life into what you want it to be. And that's a good thing!
When we lead our relationship trainings, it is surprising how many folks don't call themselves "singles", NOR "couples". We made up a third category, "It's Complicated". And those who fit in this category are often the ones who are mulling over the $10,000 question: "Should I Leave?"
I'll give you a bit of background insight into this issue, then I'll talk about what you can do when you're in this situation.
No one starts out their relationship thinking about how to end it. You didn't mean to land in a situation where "Should I leave?" is on your mind a lot. Right? At some point, it just showed up by itself. Chances are you started out wonderfully in your relationship, happy and in love and full of hope and promise.
Then somehow this wonderful in-love state (aka "The Honeymoon Stage") disappeared. Things settled down to a bit more "normal" where you didn't need to have sex three times a day but could be happy with three times a week, and you had to get out of bed and go to work, anyway. This is the time where the first signs of dissatisfaction and discord will start to show.
Inevitably you'll experience your first disappointment. Inevitably, the time will arrive when he says he'd rather be with his friends than with you. Or she says she's not "in the mood" for your advances, and rolls over to go to sleep. You then begin to discover that you don't exactly agree on how to run a household, or how neat it should look around the house. It becomes more and more evident that you have totally opposing ideas about how much time you should spend together and how much time you spend with your respective friends outside the relationship.
Now, some might say this is all perfectly "normal". Of course there'll be disagreements. Of course we don't see eye to eye on everything. However, in today's culture, there's one huge factor that has the question "should I leave?" be very readily available to most people.
In stark contrast to the culture of our great-grandparents and those before them, it is now indeed "perfectly normal" to split up and divorce. In fact, more Americans experience divorce than not. Statistics say that anywhere between 40 and 55 % of all marriages end up in divorce (depending on the source). And that only first-time marriages. For second and third time marriages, the numbers are much higher.
Here's an analogy for you: Before the big financial meltdown of 2008, foreclosure was something only few people ever experienced. It was looked upon as one of the greatest humiliations and disasters of a person's life, and carried serious social stigma, sort of a modern version of leprosy. Then 2008 happened, and millions of houses went to foreclosure, and with that, millions of people experienced this event. And then something interesting began to happen. People started walking away from their houses, even when they weren't in foreclosure. It just didn't make sense to pay on this upside-down property. They put themselves voluntarily in foreclosure. In a matter of months, the previously dreaded event of foreclosure had turned into a real option for people who just didn't want to stay.
Relationships and marriages have gone through the exact same process. Divorce is now a perfectly normal, not frowned-upon event, an always ready-to-use solution to your relationship problems. And because it's so "normal" and available, for many of us, it doesn't take too much dissatisfaction before the Big Question shows up. "Should I just leave him?" Wouldn't it be a lot easier to get out of this tangle we're in, and just start over from fresh.
At which point your brain reminds you how wonderful it was in the beginning, and sends good-feeling chemicals through your system and you feel all of sudden quite relieved at the prospect. But then "reality" hits, and you start going through the practical consequences of the choice to leave. If you have kids and own property, it's quite the hassle, not to mention really expensive. And you don't know what to do. Hence, the question begins to be with you more and more frequently.
Here's what to do when this question haunts you. Our rule of thumb that we give to the couples we work with is this: As long as you have this question, you're not complete. Think about it. As long as you ask yourself this question, you're not sure. That means there are reasons for staying and reasons for leaving. And you don't know yet which of them weighs heavier. That means there's still more for you to experience with this relationship.
What to do in this situation is work on your relationship as best you can. Go to a relationship workshop; get a relationship coach; see a counselor; read a relationship book and do the homework together. As you work on the relationship, the answer to your Big Question will answer itself! Guaranteed. It will become clear to you what the answer is. Sometimes your answer will be to leave. But just as often, in our experience with coaching relationships, you will find you have lots of options to fix your relationship.
What's actually great about the Big Question is it forces you to take a good hard look at your relationship situation and begin to deliberately create your relationship and love life into what you want it to be. And that's a good thing!
About the Author:
About the author: Christian Pedersen is a Relationship Coach and workshop leader. To get new and surprising solutions to your relationship problems get free relationship advice on The Relationship Makeover webinar
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